Struggling to be complete

I will never be able to say that I have what is perceived as the perfect life. We aren't rich, thin, or beautiful (ok my kids are beautiful,  my husband is pretty handsome, and when I take the time to get pulled together I don't look like a complete hobo but I digress). For a long time in my youth I chased things that I thought would make me happy. I would work too many hours chasing money that we wasted doing things that didn't make us happy because we weren't doing them to be happy. It wasn't that I was taking the kids to the zoo to watch them have fun it was that I was taking them to check it off the bucket list and prove I was the complete package as a step mom. The same went for drinks with friends it wouldn't be a bar and a cocktail or two it would be a whole evening  out and have to escalate into some wild adventures. The same with wardrobe and accessories I needed to prove I was a grown up now so I needed the designer purse, had to have the suburban mommy outfits and the weekday not mommy outfits. No matter what I did I was feeling hollow and incomplete. Chasing the next something that would make me "happy".

Than we had what I can only term a series of unfortunate events. There were a few years where after the building market collapsed and my "good" job closed the location that we struggled and it wasn't fun. What that time did make me understand is that things while they are nice are never going to make me feel complete. What does make me feel complete is taking pride in what ever I am doing. Raising my kids, cleaning the house, avoiding eye contact with the neighbors, scouring the grocery store for deals, etc. Nights out don't really happen so much but occasionally nights in do because that's what works for my family now. The same applies to movie nights we haven't been to the theatre with the kids in years and we often red box and race to return when something finally comes out. It's not the life we once lived but we seem to enjoy it well enough.

Recently, I was having the complete talk with a friend of mine who has been struggling. This is how I knew I was more complete because I was able to say "XXXX, you are bad guy, but you are not bad guy". That's right I felt complete and fulfilled in my roles as wife, mother, and friend because I was able to give life advise from an animated movie. Why is that you say? Once upon a time I wouldn't of watched the dvd with the kids to remember the line, or I would of been too busy reading a book or dozing in my chair to remember the movie. Now I can give sage life advise based on quality time with my kids.

So I am still struggling to be complete. There are days when I wake up at one am and I just want to go for a walk. It's sometimes overwhelming the responsibility of being wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and all those other titles. I don't know if I will ever feel complete. That I 100 percent have my shit together. What I do know is I'm all right not having all the answers. What I do know is chasing what defines other people's view of success and completion is no way to be happy or complete. It's a good way to continue to feel inadequate and miss out on wonderful moments because you want them to be something they aren't. Or as one of my toddler's favorite movies puts it:

So if you need me I won't be checking the comments right away. I have a hot date with a toddler, a dvd, and maybe an secret stash of Easter candy leftovers. That's all I need to feel complete.