#Sunday Confessions Without

There are often things I convince myself to do without. A lot of the time it's things I really don't need. Like a coffee, or lunch out, or a new pair of shoes, the problem is that when I start engaging in that behavior it spirals. I convince myself to do without things I need or I procrastinate the purchase until it's a crisis.

For example I put off buying bras because there happened to be other things that needed to be purchased. Also who wants to take a toddler bra shopping. Oh and there is probably one more wear in this one. Until it's time to get ready to go to work and the underwire has come out of my last bra and I am frustrated and angry. Plus I am desperately figuring out an option to not go to work braless (thank you camisole tanks).

I put off replacing my headset for work. Until of course I am working from home and the cord finally snaps. There is nothing I can do I can't just clock off and be done for the day I have a responsibility to my job and one to my family. So I limp along working off my cell phone (thank heavens we never use all our minutes). The next day I work off the old plastic home phone I keep for emergencies. Again at the end of the day I am angry and frustrated because it's my own fault I am doing without.

I have to figure out the balance of taking care of myself and my needs. Some days that means I don't go without a cup of coffee. Other days it means I just buy the pair of shoes so I have the option besides boots and flip flops.. It hurt my relationship with my family when I go without taking care of myself. The more I do without the more frustrated, angry, and isolated I get. Things explode and implode and it's a mess.  I need to do without the self sabotage and get with the self love.

Captivity #Sunday Confessions

No one ever told me about the sense of captivity I would experience as an adult. I thought as an adult I would be able to eat Snicker's bars for breakfast and break the rules that I found oppressive. That if I wanted to see the dawn in I could. No one told me I would be the one setting a whole new set of rules. That I would be tip toeing through the house to make sure that everyone was tucked in and actually sleeping.  Making sure the rules had been followed and than doling out or dealing with the consequences as necessary.

When your a child you think being the adult is easy. No one tells you are captive to a job, family, bills, and responsibility. You think you just have a credit card or check book and you can solve all your woes with a scrawl or swipe. That moment when you understand you have to earn every dollar that goes into the account. There will be moments when you have to decide if your kids get new winter coats or you get boots that don't have holes in the soles. (That winter the kids got coats, and I learned to wear an extra pair of socks and avoid the puddles.) Before I had children there was the freedom to waste the grocery money on a new outfit or concert tickets. The only person I had to worry about was myself and what was a week of top ramen or oatmeal? Once I had children there was making sure there was a gallon of milk in the refrigerator even though I don't drink it. The truth is they don't really register that there have been times I have said I wasn't hungry because they wanted seconds but I passed them my bowl or plate because they wanted more.

There is the struggle too of parenting with a first wife and being the second wife (don't worry they are divorced no bigamy here). You don't get to rage about your needs not being met. Or a lack of consideration for your needs when she drops them off without an fyi or shoes, or breakfast, or showers. You just do what has to be done and you parent. You try and forgive even when inside your screaming. No matter what the other mother is their mother and when you settled down with your husband her ex husband you took her as part of the package. It's kind of like when you butcher a cow and they send home the organ meat. You don't go digging through the freezer looking for it but when times get hard you look a recipe and you do your best to put something good on the plate.

No one tells you there will be days you want to run away. Of course you don't even if you think about it. This is your family. You chose them to be your people. You are responsible for them. For their safety, their wellness, their happiness, etc. No one tells you the thought of being without them will scare you horribly. How you will adjust. During the night you will be the one who wakes up to the whisper about feeling sick. How you might be exhausted but when they throw up it will probably be on you. That you will be the one who still soiled will change their sheets and blankets, get them showered and fresh pjs, and who will probably let them sleep in your bed so you can finish their laundry and dream of your own shower.  It's just what has to be done.

You might say why don't you run away because this is the captivity I chose. There are happy moments too. Like when you finally get out of the financial rut. When you can pay the rent and buy groceries in the same pay period without having an anxiety attack about over spending and having both bounce. When taking the family out for dinner means a sit down meal and not a bag of buck burgers. The knowledge that they want to spend an extra day or two with you during Summer break because they love you. This being an adult sometimes is a kin to being a caged bird but even though you're caged you sing.

Why I do the dishes

I feel I should start by saying when I am writing this I have always hated doing the dishes. When I was younger I would do anything to avoid drying and putting them away. I would much rather cook than wash or dry.  I would still rather cook than wash the dishes it creates. When I lived alone I used one plate, one bowl, one cup, one knife, one fork well you get the idea. They went into the sink and immediately after got scrubbed and left to dry. Now though I do the dishes and I still don't like it.

So why do I do it if I don't like it:

1. My husband works out of the house a lot. I could leave them for him but with a 60+ hour work week the last thing he needs to do is come home to a house with a sink full of disgusting dishes.
2. The big kids won't wash the dishes. Trust me I have tried everything I know to get them to do them. I even bought them gloves. Tried to show them if you rinse them and put them in the dish washer BOOM done.
3. Minimonkey just doesn't have the height to reach the sink. Someday he will be my little helper but that's not today. He does do a great job putting the silverware away so that's something.
4. It has to be done. I mean the other option is eating off of paper everything.

So even though I don't enjoy it. I do it because it's what a wife and mother does. Sometimes I do rage against the dishes and we spend a week eating off of paper plates but really that's no solution. So I will continue to do what must be done. At least until the Minimonkey can reach the sink.