This time of year

For a lot of people I keep hearing how it's not the most wonderful time of the year. At times I have to agree with them. When I was a child Christmas was filled with wonder and joy. Today I was sitting and thinking what made it so different? The more I thought it wasn't about the presents and we didn't rush about buying things. Instead there was that wonderful anticipation of time together. Of a huge meal that we would share. Ideally after dinner us kids would put on far to many layers in our concern to go sledding. Than we would come in from the cold and eat cookies before we each went home from the big family gathering to our homes. Our trunks weren't full of shiny new presents, instead maybe a bag or two of grandma's cookies and some leftovers so we could have an easy dinner. It wasn't commercial but it was comfortable.

This year I had to make the Christmas Eve run to the grocery store. I knew it would be stressful and hectic. However I expected some peace and good will from all it is almost Christmas after all. Instead I spent my time darting and dodging. Seeing people parked across aisles to call whomever to see what else they needed to load into full shopping carts. Which I get sometimes you forget that one thing but pull to the side and let the rest of us proceed. I heard few pleases or thank yous from people interacting with store clerks. Many of those clerks who happened to be working incredibly hard were apologizing for the time things took when we were mid mad house. Which I would agree is usually my response to people who are looking at me irate. Yet every clerk I dealt with was pleasant and professional still even the most stressed.  Finally we finished in made it to the car and what should appear but a cart parked into the side panel. I get it someone's time was more precious than the time it would of taken to walk the extra 10 feet to the cart return.  It was a relief to gather up the free cart and my own and walk to the return just so I could be done and know no one else would experience such a surprise.

I did my best while I was inside to spread the Christmas cheer. At the service counter since I desperately needed stamps after mailing Christmas card I used my manners, a please, thank you, and yes Merry Christmas to you too. I was told it was just nice to have someone use their manners this time of year. I replied how can I teach my toddler to use his if I don't use mine, every time? Each member of the Winco team I saw on the floor and interacted with was pleasant and festive. Many a staffer had on one or more fun pieces of flair. I don't know if it was policy but they sure seemed to be having enjoying themselves for being at work on Christmas Eve. To the lady who forgot her purse and was a dollar short for Christmas dinner fare. When I say I got you lady I got you. I'm not St Moe (all though it does have a ring) and we aren't rich but tis the season. It's what  I would want someone to do for me if I was looking at putting back part of my holiday fare.

I know this post has become a bit of a ramble but I guess what I am saying is we let ourselves be miserable. We try so hard to cover all the bases that we see glorified we forget the reason for the season. (Wait don't think Moe is going to try and convert you or anything I firmly support everyone's right to be whatever makes them happy with the usual caveats ie no cannibalism etc.)The reason for the season is to gather around with those you love. It's not about opening a stack of presents and gorging until you are  bloated and the gout flares up. Sure indulge a bit. Buy one or two of the things you want. However take a moment too to see what your neighbor (neighbor in the broad metaphorical way too not just the one next door) needs. It doesn't have to be things. It can be a kind word. A donation to the local food pantry. Put away the cart you see rolling in parking lot. Basically just try to be the best person you can be. Let your presence be the present.

Merry Christmas,
Moe 

A letter to mom from the stepmother

Hi there mom,

As a step mom I do get it you never wanted to see this other woman in your kid's and now ex-husband's life. I know when you married that you thought it was once and for all and forever. However that part of life for whatever reason didn't work out let's not continue about who's fault it was or the reasons why. I'm sorry and not sorry because thanks to that I have a wonderful man in my life and bonus children that I didn't have to go into labor for.

Here's the thing I never thought I would be a step mother. I never thought that at times I would be not co-parenting with one person but with at times 2-3. It can be hard and an endurance battle especially when we don't work together. While I do my best to be positive about your parenting choices and I'm sure you do about mine please communicate with us. If I need to go out and buy pads for the teenager it's a lot easier to have a warning text or call  than to be dragged out of bed at midnight. Same goes with prescription drugs trust me I will make sure they travel between our houses no one wants to endure an epic winter of strep throat because someone was worried the antibiotics wouldn't make it back. Trust me them missing a dose or more is only going to escalate our problems.  The same goes with parenting choices like bed time, chores, restrictions etc. If we don't talk I have no idea what is going on besides what the kids say and if you haven't noticed at times they can be pretty opportunistic about what they will claim is allowed at the other parent's house.

Secondly, I don't do things to be deliberately mean or cruel. I am doing my best to help turn them into responsible adults who will launch successfully into the world. So when I tell them something about hygiene practices, dress code, or behavior please support me and I will do the same for you. However what you may feel is appropriate for a 12 year old girl to wear and what I feel is appropriate may differ. Also please let me know correct sizes for bras and underwear while I have been co-parenting with you I am not comfortable with taking the girls to get sized. When we shop they go into the changing room alone. If a dress or jeans or shirt fits they come out and model it.  I will continue being a prude about what they wear until they are the ones who are making the money to purchase the clothing. There are way to many people who objectify young women let's keep them safe.

Thirdly, please be on board and honest with the adult talks. I am going to provide them with the answers I know to be correct. Like the sex and menses talk. I have had to do that now with all three. I get it they were at my house when they got their first periods but a little support would be super. Like reviewing why we wrap the pad. It's all fun and games until my bathroom stinks and cat has a used pad stuck to his fur. The same about hygiene I hate being the one who has to remind the oldest boy that he gets a funk going. I will buy the articles for all of them. As in previous months and years I will even buy a duplicate for your home. Just encourage the use. If you don't need me to make the purchase just communicate.

Oh and school and activities are important. I'm sure you like us feel like a complete idiot when you hear about grades, sporting events, social events, and etc after they have passed. I don't need to be invited to the mommy and me tea but you can bet when the oldest who lives with us has something going on you will be told. All I ask is that if you can show up. If you can't call or text and say something kind or supportive. The same goes for the negative if you ground the girls at your house and it's time for the weekend switch tell us so we can follow the rules. The same when the boy looses privileges for poor grades. If you let him play on the video games all weekend at your house of course he's going to see the double standard.

We are in this together. We can either hate each other for the next 5+ years until all the children are successfully launched into the world or we can smile and repress our feelings in favor a semi functional working relationship.

Sincerely,
The other mother

No more curls

Today, I did the thing I have put off for 22 months. I took Minimonkey and had his hair cut. What's the big deal you might ask? Since he was born I have let him be a long haired wild child. I have at times even braided his flowing locks. Finally though it had to happen.

We took brother to have his hair trimmed so he no longer looked like a hobo. While the Minimonkey was watching the activity in the Barber Shop he announced he was "big boy" and headed to an unoccupied chair. What was a mother to do? Besides of course take the path of least resistance. I could of said no. I could of made him wait and tried to distract him but he decided he was a "big boy".

So I signed him in with the most wonderful badass with a scissors. She took the time to bring him a booster seat and raise the chair. When it became apparent that the cape to keep the hair off his clothing was going to be an issue she didn't insist. Instead she helped him remove it. Snip, snip, snip. All to suddenly my Mini monkey went from having long baby locks to being a boy. She worked with him taking care to encourage his enthusiasm and soothing the fear when she dampened his tresses. As mama I might of worried about him wiggling and losing an ear and the entire time she kept up a witty banter.

So as of today Minimonkey has no more curls. As he says he is a "big boy". This mama however has a bit of an ache in her heart. Hidden in her purse is an envelope a kind barber labeled "Minimonkey's 1st hair cut". I will probably get it put into his memory book in the morning. Tonight, though I took the time to run my fingers through his now short hair and indulge in a cuddle with my boy who is no longer a baby.

#Sunday Confessions Without

There are often things I convince myself to do without. A lot of the time it's things I really don't need. Like a coffee, or lunch out, or a new pair of shoes, the problem is that when I start engaging in that behavior it spirals. I convince myself to do without things I need or I procrastinate the purchase until it's a crisis.

For example I put off buying bras because there happened to be other things that needed to be purchased. Also who wants to take a toddler bra shopping. Oh and there is probably one more wear in this one. Until it's time to get ready to go to work and the underwire has come out of my last bra and I am frustrated and angry. Plus I am desperately figuring out an option to not go to work braless (thank you camisole tanks).

I put off replacing my headset for work. Until of course I am working from home and the cord finally snaps. There is nothing I can do I can't just clock off and be done for the day I have a responsibility to my job and one to my family. So I limp along working off my cell phone (thank heavens we never use all our minutes). The next day I work off the old plastic home phone I keep for emergencies. Again at the end of the day I am angry and frustrated because it's my own fault I am doing without.

I have to figure out the balance of taking care of myself and my needs. Some days that means I don't go without a cup of coffee. Other days it means I just buy the pair of shoes so I have the option besides boots and flip flops.. It hurt my relationship with my family when I go without taking care of myself. The more I do without the more frustrated, angry, and isolated I get. Things explode and implode and it's a mess.  I need to do without the self sabotage and get with the self love.

Captivity #Sunday Confessions

No one ever told me about the sense of captivity I would experience as an adult. I thought as an adult I would be able to eat Snicker's bars for breakfast and break the rules that I found oppressive. That if I wanted to see the dawn in I could. No one told me I would be the one setting a whole new set of rules. That I would be tip toeing through the house to make sure that everyone was tucked in and actually sleeping.  Making sure the rules had been followed and than doling out or dealing with the consequences as necessary.

When your a child you think being the adult is easy. No one tells you are captive to a job, family, bills, and responsibility. You think you just have a credit card or check book and you can solve all your woes with a scrawl or swipe. That moment when you understand you have to earn every dollar that goes into the account. There will be moments when you have to decide if your kids get new winter coats or you get boots that don't have holes in the soles. (That winter the kids got coats, and I learned to wear an extra pair of socks and avoid the puddles.) Before I had children there was the freedom to waste the grocery money on a new outfit or concert tickets. The only person I had to worry about was myself and what was a week of top ramen or oatmeal? Once I had children there was making sure there was a gallon of milk in the refrigerator even though I don't drink it. The truth is they don't really register that there have been times I have said I wasn't hungry because they wanted seconds but I passed them my bowl or plate because they wanted more.

There is the struggle too of parenting with a first wife and being the second wife (don't worry they are divorced no bigamy here). You don't get to rage about your needs not being met. Or a lack of consideration for your needs when she drops them off without an fyi or shoes, or breakfast, or showers. You just do what has to be done and you parent. You try and forgive even when inside your screaming. No matter what the other mother is their mother and when you settled down with your husband her ex husband you took her as part of the package. It's kind of like when you butcher a cow and they send home the organ meat. You don't go digging through the freezer looking for it but when times get hard you look a recipe and you do your best to put something good on the plate.

No one tells you there will be days you want to run away. Of course you don't even if you think about it. This is your family. You chose them to be your people. You are responsible for them. For their safety, their wellness, their happiness, etc. No one tells you the thought of being without them will scare you horribly. How you will adjust. During the night you will be the one who wakes up to the whisper about feeling sick. How you might be exhausted but when they throw up it will probably be on you. That you will be the one who still soiled will change their sheets and blankets, get them showered and fresh pjs, and who will probably let them sleep in your bed so you can finish their laundry and dream of your own shower.  It's just what has to be done.

You might say why don't you run away because this is the captivity I chose. There are happy moments too. Like when you finally get out of the financial rut. When you can pay the rent and buy groceries in the same pay period without having an anxiety attack about over spending and having both bounce. When taking the family out for dinner means a sit down meal and not a bag of buck burgers. The knowledge that they want to spend an extra day or two with you during Summer break because they love you. This being an adult sometimes is a kin to being a caged bird but even though you're caged you sing.

Why I do the dishes

I feel I should start by saying when I am writing this I have always hated doing the dishes. When I was younger I would do anything to avoid drying and putting them away. I would much rather cook than wash or dry.  I would still rather cook than wash the dishes it creates. When I lived alone I used one plate, one bowl, one cup, one knife, one fork well you get the idea. They went into the sink and immediately after got scrubbed and left to dry. Now though I do the dishes and I still don't like it.

So why do I do it if I don't like it:

1. My husband works out of the house a lot. I could leave them for him but with a 60+ hour work week the last thing he needs to do is come home to a house with a sink full of disgusting dishes.
2. The big kids won't wash the dishes. Trust me I have tried everything I know to get them to do them. I even bought them gloves. Tried to show them if you rinse them and put them in the dish washer BOOM done.
3. Minimonkey just doesn't have the height to reach the sink. Someday he will be my little helper but that's not today. He does do a great job putting the silverware away so that's something.
4. It has to be done. I mean the other option is eating off of paper everything.

So even though I don't enjoy it. I do it because it's what a wife and mother does. Sometimes I do rage against the dishes and we spend a week eating off of paper plates but really that's no solution. So I will continue to do what must be done. At least until the Minimonkey can reach the sink.

Smells #Sunday Confessions

I think every mom has had the smells moment. When your child/children smell delicious freshly washed and swaddled. Yet you sniff and sniff still there is a foul aroma in the air. The diaper is clean your sure you've checked once again. You patrol the house inhaling. It's not the garbage, or the sink, or any number of things. In fact the odor seems to be following you through the house.

Finally in an act of shame you sniff your own arm pit. Than you start doing the math when was the last time you took a shower. The math simply can't be right there is no way you could of gone so long without a good scrub. However the a miasma rising from your pits makes it obvious that it has been simply to long. It can't be put off any longer if your going to be worth cuddling the smell has to go.

Of course that means there are two options. One you wait until the husband comes home which seems like is forever from now or two you put down your delicious scented baby. You carry baby and drag his seat to the bathroom door. You make the transition to his chair and buckle him hoping that he doesn't wake until you can complete the cleanse.  He sleeps and you silently dance for joy as you turn on the shower.

This is not an enjoyable shower. This is a shower that will be completed as fast as possible with limited relaxation or joy. All that matters is getting the funk off. The shower curtain has been left open and repeatedly you stick your head out to make sure that baby is sleeping and safe. It's a race to lather, rinse, and don't even think about repeating. A good scrub with the fancy soap you bought thinking you would have time for leisure. Ah that's so much better you now smell fresh. Soft little snores are still coming from baby.

Taking advantage of the sleepiness to self care. Some fresh yoga pants and a clean tank top. A layer of lotion and deodorant. Feeling refreshed and even slightly relaxed. You've made it though another struggle. You smell as sweet as baby and once more ready to snuggle.