Do you really want me to wear the amount of material I can afford?

 

I admit it Moe doesn't often even look at splurging on a new t-shirt for herself. A lot of my wardrobe is a few years old or rescued from the second hand store. However late last night Moe happened to be shopping on line and looking for at a custom printed t-shirt. Now I admit this was a luxury item that I ended up not buying but not because it was a luxury item. No the reason why I didn't click and order was because instead of purchasing the unisex option I went to price the cost of a women's t-shirt instead. Moe didn't buy herself a new t-shirt of awesome because to get a shirt with less material than the unisex size she would have to pay extra.

 

This isn't just with a specific manufacturer or printer of t-shirts.  Often times even with clearance items there is an extra cost accessed for what is considered a plus size in women's or juniors wear but what is still considered with in the normal realms for unisex or men's wear. Often the item of clothing that is junior's or women's wear is made out of thinner ie less durable fabric that I will have to replace sooner than I would if I bought the equivalent in men's/unisex wear. The fit also when I buy unisex wear isn't as comfortable as if I bought something designed for a woman. My breasts are something that I do have to accommodate for. I can't just say I'm having a bad boob day and take them off. So that generally means paying an additional upsizing fee. So not only am I being charged for being a woman, I'm being charged extra for being a woman with large breasts.  Yet if you look at size chart above a women's large is still smaller than a men's medium. A women's large is also shorter in length than a men's or unisex medium.

 

I know this blog post probably won't change anything in the realm of gender inequality. Moe just won't buy from companies that continue to charge her an upsizing and being a woman fee. There is a difference in fit and feel between women's and unisex/men's sizing. So anything that has an extra fee to cover less won't be bought by me. IF you however you are looking for cheap advertising send Moe a t-shirt...  for no fee across my chest your logo can be.

Love is

When I hear the phrase love is ... I do tend to think of the Bible verse. Love is patient, Love is kind, Love can do no wrong. That is all true. There is a lot more to love though. Sometimes we are not patient, sometimes we are unkind, and sometimes even the best partner acts like an ass (I'm sorry for all the times I have been that partner). 

There is also the side of love that we don't talk about that much. The act of getting up early to make sure that my husband has a dry jacket to wear to work. My husband taking the time to always kiss us good bye before going to work and making sure that the door is locked. These are the silent ways we say I love you, I need you, I want you to be safe and healthy.

I once thought that love meant every day had to be some grand romance. During the first bloom of our relationship it was very much a grand whirl wind romance. We moved in together quite early. Most evenings had us off on some adventure or another. Dinner, drinks, an evening exploring the city, or whatever else struck our fancy. I felt entitled to the little gifts my now husband brought home. I didn't think about the time and effort he put into them. It was all just very much life in the moment.

Our love life now is different. We have gone the distance there have been good times, there have been bad times, there have been years that were fat and years that got pretty skinny. Sometimes we have gone to bed angry and sometimes we have gone to bed in each others arms. I don't always break out the good undies on date night and honestly I can't remember the last time we had a date without chaperone of one of the kids or more. We don't always have the best communication but we manage to get the important things handled one way or another. We aren't the image of romance but I still like to hold his hand. I know when he brings me home a bouquet of flowers or my favorite chocolate bar that he took the extra time and effort to make one more stop after the end of a long day. He knows that when I have a fresh towel and clean sweats waiting next to the shower for him I spent that extra moment thinking of his comfort. We might not have a grand romance but we have love.

So love is waking up next to someone and knowing that you can't imagine being any place else. Even if you went to bed angry the night before. Love is that spark of excitement when the door opens when they come home at night. Love is a husband who will watch Food Network with you even when he would much rather be watching something on Comedy Central. It's that kind of love that gets you through and makes you want to grow old with someone.

Job hunting and the stay at home mother

Being a stay at home mother has been both the hardest and most frustrating jobs of my career. It sounds wonderful the full one on one time with the children but ... yes there is a whole big line of buts.

But 1. People who ask "What do you do everyday" and "How come the house isn't clean". Everyday I handle the day to day operations of the house. That means everything from getting the teenager out the door to school (on time, in clean clothing, wearing deodorant, with breakfast in his belly, and his hair brushed), toddler wrangling, laundry, dishes, clean the bathrooms, buy the groceries, figure out the household finances, fret about the household finances, and anything else that might be an incidental along the way.

But 2. "How many resumes are you sending every week". Since I had the audacity to state us living on one income isn't working people tend to ask me that question. Well that depends on how many positions I find that work around my availability. I can't just jump on every opening and interview willy nilly because going to an interview means I have to have child care. So if it's not a position that is going to work for us long term it is kind of ridiculous for me to take the time, money, and drama of packing up a toddler to the sitter's in hopes that I will be able to bring home a short term paycheck.

But 3. "Why don't you do something for yourself". Things like going out to coffee, drinks, or dinner with friends cost money. Which means as I presently don't bring in money I am spending my husband's money for my leisure. While I know he doesn't begrudge me it's awful hard to justify spending a 1/3 of an hour of his work on a cup of coffee when I know there are other places it could be going. Like the never ending bills and cost of groceries.

So in short I really am doing my best. If you are coming over to see my house please book your visit weeks in advance so I can attempt to guarantee a level of cleanliness equal to your expectations. If you ask me what I did all day when you see me post about making my family a home cooked meal, going to a job interview, and managing to wrangle groceries expect the look of death and maybe some profanity slung your way.  I know society expects it to be a breeze based on what we see on the television, or those cute optimistic blog posts from mommy's in higher income brackets, and as much as I wish it was all television and bonbons sometimes it's catching toddler barf in one hand while saving the email to recruiter in the other.

Being a broken hearted step mother

I don't know how else to put it. Everyday my 16 year old stepson  asks me why am I angry and it's not even that I have ever been angry. It's that I am disappointed, hurt, and broken hearted by the choices that he's made and that path that he is taking. A path that he admits probably isn't going to lead him any place he really wants to go. This past year when he made the choice to move in with us my husband and I did everything to make the transition happen smoothly.

We started off with him making all the right promises.

 That this year would be different he would apply himself to his academics, he would get caught up on last years classes, and no of course we wouldn't have the missing homework issues. Here it is almost at the end of the 1st semester and he has 5 Fs. I have spent time talking with him, so has my husband. Emailing the teachers for a list of the missing assignments, finding out what he needs to do to make up assignments, or why he is failing those assignments. Asking him to go in early and stay after for the assistance that is provided by his teachers. We have had to make the decision to take away the xbox, laptop, and wifi still no change. This morning I went to grab his laundry and found that he had left behind the book he needs to be reading for his English class.

There was also the chore discussion when he moved in. That everyday he needs to make some contribution to the welfare of the household. Nothing big was expected just check the garbage and recycling and if they needed to be taken out, take them out.  To make sure that before he left for school any dirty clothing was in the pile for the wash and the clean and folded clothing was put away. Dishes that were had been used needed to be rinsed and in the sink. It hasn't happened, we have reverted to a similar system that I use for the toddler which is I put the clothing away for him because at some point I got tired of having the clothing I had just washed be thrown back into the dirty clothing pile because it's easier to do that way that do 5 loads of laundry a day and wonder why I am losing my damn mind. Where on the regular I do dish patrol to round up something that was left in his room. When the garbage gets full 9 times out of 10 either I take it out or the husband does because I just can't stand to have full garbage in the house.

The big 16 birthday and no driver's license or permit situation. That's because the deal was he needed to go forth and find a little job to help pay those fees if he wanted to become a driver. It's not because we are mean parents it's because driving is a huge responsibility and a privilege. So if it's desirable than we need to see some initiative. Showing us that he could go to school make passing grades and devote 10-15 hours outside of the house to contribute to that expense was the deal. So far he's made the choice to not look for a job.

In the 8 years I have been an adult in his life we have had a lot of struggles. I feel right now that I have failed somehow but I am not giving up. You don't get to give up on your kids and even if he's not biologically mine I'm not quitting. I just need a little extra faith, hope, and maybe some pixie dust. If nothing else some duct tape for my heart. There is nothing more that I want for him than to see him thrive. To find something that motivates him to do better, to be better, and to have him ready to launch safely and successfully out of the nest in the next 2 years. It's going to take even more work. Probably a lot more heartache but we will not give up.

This time of year

For a lot of people I keep hearing how it's not the most wonderful time of the year. At times I have to agree with them. When I was a child Christmas was filled with wonder and joy. Today I was sitting and thinking what made it so different? The more I thought it wasn't about the presents and we didn't rush about buying things. Instead there was that wonderful anticipation of time together. Of a huge meal that we would share. Ideally after dinner us kids would put on far to many layers in our concern to go sledding. Than we would come in from the cold and eat cookies before we each went home from the big family gathering to our homes. Our trunks weren't full of shiny new presents, instead maybe a bag or two of grandma's cookies and some leftovers so we could have an easy dinner. It wasn't commercial but it was comfortable.

This year I had to make the Christmas Eve run to the grocery store. I knew it would be stressful and hectic. However I expected some peace and good will from all it is almost Christmas after all. Instead I spent my time darting and dodging. Seeing people parked across aisles to call whomever to see what else they needed to load into full shopping carts. Which I get sometimes you forget that one thing but pull to the side and let the rest of us proceed. I heard few pleases or thank yous from people interacting with store clerks. Many of those clerks who happened to be working incredibly hard were apologizing for the time things took when we were mid mad house. Which I would agree is usually my response to people who are looking at me irate. Yet every clerk I dealt with was pleasant and professional still even the most stressed.  Finally we finished in made it to the car and what should appear but a cart parked into the side panel. I get it someone's time was more precious than the time it would of taken to walk the extra 10 feet to the cart return.  It was a relief to gather up the free cart and my own and walk to the return just so I could be done and know no one else would experience such a surprise.

I did my best while I was inside to spread the Christmas cheer. At the service counter since I desperately needed stamps after mailing Christmas card I used my manners, a please, thank you, and yes Merry Christmas to you too. I was told it was just nice to have someone use their manners this time of year. I replied how can I teach my toddler to use his if I don't use mine, every time? Each member of the Winco team I saw on the floor and interacted with was pleasant and festive. Many a staffer had on one or more fun pieces of flair. I don't know if it was policy but they sure seemed to be having enjoying themselves for being at work on Christmas Eve. To the lady who forgot her purse and was a dollar short for Christmas dinner fare. When I say I got you lady I got you. I'm not St Moe (all though it does have a ring) and we aren't rich but tis the season. It's what  I would want someone to do for me if I was looking at putting back part of my holiday fare.

I know this post has become a bit of a ramble but I guess what I am saying is we let ourselves be miserable. We try so hard to cover all the bases that we see glorified we forget the reason for the season. (Wait don't think Moe is going to try and convert you or anything I firmly support everyone's right to be whatever makes them happy with the usual caveats ie no cannibalism etc.)The reason for the season is to gather around with those you love. It's not about opening a stack of presents and gorging until you are  bloated and the gout flares up. Sure indulge a bit. Buy one or two of the things you want. However take a moment too to see what your neighbor (neighbor in the broad metaphorical way too not just the one next door) needs. It doesn't have to be things. It can be a kind word. A donation to the local food pantry. Put away the cart you see rolling in parking lot. Basically just try to be the best person you can be. Let your presence be the present.

Merry Christmas,
Moe 

A letter to mom from the stepmother

Hi there mom,

As a step mom I do get it you never wanted to see this other woman in your kid's and now ex-husband's life. I know when you married that you thought it was once and for all and forever. However that part of life for whatever reason didn't work out let's not continue about who's fault it was or the reasons why. I'm sorry and not sorry because thanks to that I have a wonderful man in my life and bonus children that I didn't have to go into labor for.

Here's the thing I never thought I would be a step mother. I never thought that at times I would be not co-parenting with one person but with at times 2-3. It can be hard and an endurance battle especially when we don't work together. While I do my best to be positive about your parenting choices and I'm sure you do about mine please communicate with us. If I need to go out and buy pads for the teenager it's a lot easier to have a warning text or call  than to be dragged out of bed at midnight. Same goes with prescription drugs trust me I will make sure they travel between our houses no one wants to endure an epic winter of strep throat because someone was worried the antibiotics wouldn't make it back. Trust me them missing a dose or more is only going to escalate our problems.  The same goes with parenting choices like bed time, chores, restrictions etc. If we don't talk I have no idea what is going on besides what the kids say and if you haven't noticed at times they can be pretty opportunistic about what they will claim is allowed at the other parent's house.

Secondly, I don't do things to be deliberately mean or cruel. I am doing my best to help turn them into responsible adults who will launch successfully into the world. So when I tell them something about hygiene practices, dress code, or behavior please support me and I will do the same for you. However what you may feel is appropriate for a 12 year old girl to wear and what I feel is appropriate may differ. Also please let me know correct sizes for bras and underwear while I have been co-parenting with you I am not comfortable with taking the girls to get sized. When we shop they go into the changing room alone. If a dress or jeans or shirt fits they come out and model it.  I will continue being a prude about what they wear until they are the ones who are making the money to purchase the clothing. There are way to many people who objectify young women let's keep them safe.

Thirdly, please be on board and honest with the adult talks. I am going to provide them with the answers I know to be correct. Like the sex and menses talk. I have had to do that now with all three. I get it they were at my house when they got their first periods but a little support would be super. Like reviewing why we wrap the pad. It's all fun and games until my bathroom stinks and cat has a used pad stuck to his fur. The same about hygiene I hate being the one who has to remind the oldest boy that he gets a funk going. I will buy the articles for all of them. As in previous months and years I will even buy a duplicate for your home. Just encourage the use. If you don't need me to make the purchase just communicate.

Oh and school and activities are important. I'm sure you like us feel like a complete idiot when you hear about grades, sporting events, social events, and etc after they have passed. I don't need to be invited to the mommy and me tea but you can bet when the oldest who lives with us has something going on you will be told. All I ask is that if you can show up. If you can't call or text and say something kind or supportive. The same goes for the negative if you ground the girls at your house and it's time for the weekend switch tell us so we can follow the rules. The same when the boy looses privileges for poor grades. If you let him play on the video games all weekend at your house of course he's going to see the double standard.

We are in this together. We can either hate each other for the next 5+ years until all the children are successfully launched into the world or we can smile and repress our feelings in favor a semi functional working relationship.

Sincerely,
The other mother

No more curls

Today, I did the thing I have put off for 22 months. I took Minimonkey and had his hair cut. What's the big deal you might ask? Since he was born I have let him be a long haired wild child. I have at times even braided his flowing locks. Finally though it had to happen.

We took brother to have his hair trimmed so he no longer looked like a hobo. While the Minimonkey was watching the activity in the Barber Shop he announced he was "big boy" and headed to an unoccupied chair. What was a mother to do? Besides of course take the path of least resistance. I could of said no. I could of made him wait and tried to distract him but he decided he was a "big boy".

So I signed him in with the most wonderful badass with a scissors. She took the time to bring him a booster seat and raise the chair. When it became apparent that the cape to keep the hair off his clothing was going to be an issue she didn't insist. Instead she helped him remove it. Snip, snip, snip. All to suddenly my Mini monkey went from having long baby locks to being a boy. She worked with him taking care to encourage his enthusiasm and soothing the fear when she dampened his tresses. As mama I might of worried about him wiggling and losing an ear and the entire time she kept up a witty banter.

So as of today Minimonkey has no more curls. As he says he is a "big boy". This mama however has a bit of an ache in her heart. Hidden in her purse is an envelope a kind barber labeled "Minimonkey's 1st hair cut". I will probably get it put into his memory book in the morning. Tonight, though I took the time to run my fingers through his now short hair and indulge in a cuddle with my boy who is no longer a baby.